Day One - Cycle Two (Day 18)

THE RESULTS PLEASE.....

     The much awaited results had me anxious and excited to step onto that scale this morning.  Never before have I said I wanted to step on a scale.  So sure was I that I had a big loss getting ready to stare me in the face.  I had high hopes for a big loss - double digits is what I told everyone.  I was secretly hoping for 26 pounds, but would have been happy with 15.   After stepping on the scale and looking at it five or six times, maybe more.  I burst into tears!  I had bare minimum clothes on, so that offered no excuse.  I moved the scale from my kitchen floor (linoleum) onto the garage floor (concrete) to see if that made a difference because the last time I weighed was at Diana's house, and she has a hard tile floor.  I was using the same scale, just a different location for weighing in.  It helped with 2 pounds.  I checked to make sure the scale was set at zero.  I weighed myself four more times.  Then, I realized the reality of what it was telling me was the truth.
     As I struggled to remember all of the words of advice I had just given on my blog the last couple of days, tears streaked my face.  I had to call in re-enforcements.  I had to try to understand what went wrong.  I just spent 17 long days, eating the best I have ever eaten in my entire life.  I deprived myself of all the good things I want that are bad for me, in order to see and feel a difference in my body.  I said no to the cake.   I said no all the goodies at the movies, while the buttered popcorn smell filled my nostrils.  I said no to the bar-b-Que hot pockets every time the family made some, even when their smelled lingered for hours in the air of my kitchen and assailed me upon opening the microwave door to heat my green tea.  I said no to fast food!  I said no to those donuts on day eleven when I was down.  That is what is so torturous about this whole ordeal.  This is unacceptable!  I am fighting a war, but losing the battle.  I need my allies now more than ever.
     Dr. Mike says in his book.  He said, if the scale is not giving you the numbers you are looking for, don't worry about it.   He said, if you are going to worry about a number, think about your blood pressure, your cholesterol, your blood sugars, etc.  Those are the numbers that have seen serious improvement over the last seventeen days.  I just gave a friend who lost 6 pounds on her first cycle (granted she only has about 15 pounds to lose) and was unhappy about the result not to focus on the scale, because it can play tricks on you, but to focus on how her clothes were fitting, and how she felt.  It's time to take my own advice and listen to the experts!
 I called my beautiful older daughter because I knew she would keep things in perspective for me and make me see that regardless of what the scale says to me with its filthy little mouth, I have made progress.  She was full of wisdom and calming words.  She told me to focus on how I feel, and what others are saying about how I look, and not the numbers from scrap metal.  She talked to me for about 20 minutes, and said all the right things.  She was very comforting, and I love that she is there for me.  As my crying wound down listening to her, I remember what
     When all is said and done, I have to admit, my clothes are looser on me (my pants are even falling off).  I can see and feel the difference in my body.  I know my hips, beasts,  and stomach have gone down.  I have more pep to my step when I am walking around.  I know I have lost more than what that scale is telling me.  Too many people have noticed a difference in me for it not to be real.  Let's face it, when you are my size, and have 200 pounds to lose, people don't usually notice a small weight loss, so mine has to more than what the scale is telling me.  Even my precious son thinks I have lost more than what that scale said.  He is usually very brutally honest - to a fault sometimes, and for him to tell me that, means the world to me.
     What went wrong?  Well, let me tell you, I have been pondering this question all day.  I came up with a few things that may have affected my numbers this morning:  Not excuses, but reasons.  First, I did not weigh myself the day before I started my diet.  I had weighed myself 5 to 6 days earlier at Diana's house.  I don't have a scale, and I didn't want to wait to start my diet until I could weigh myself (because I am always putting these things off), so I used the previous week's weight as my starting point.  The problem with that is I might very well have put on weight that week because I was eating things I wanted, just to get them out of my system, so I wouldn't crave them, and because I wanted to enjoy them one last time before changing my lifestyle.  I could have gained up to 10 pounds.  Next, I have been retaining water the last 2- 3 days, to the point that my hands, feet, and ankles were swollen (my ankles looked like baseballs), so that could have added to the problem.  A third issue I never thought about until I was reading one of the message boards on Dr. Phil's team where  a member said she had a 6 pound weight gain  in cycle 1 from pms, and that could also have contributed to my situation.  I am not making excuses, because I know that the number is wrong, and if its any of the above reasons, the numbers will show it next week or cycle. (I may switch to weighing myself every week, just to see what's happening, instead of waiting 17 days and being shocked like this again).
     So, after patiently waiting for me to explain all of that, you deserve to know what that dirty little traitor, the scale, said to me.  Here's the skinny (pun intended - trying to keep something light around here).  He told me I only lost 4 pounds!!  What??!!!!  Wah, wah, wah...  I wanted to rinse his filthy mouth out with soap.  I wanted to torture him and destroy him and call in a replacement.  He didn't belong to me, so I couldn't hurt him like I wanted to.  This is why fat people give up on their diets, because failure is so much more probable than success.  It's too hard to put in all the work, to say no to the cake and burritos, and gravy, just to end up with a barely discernible loss. So, What did I do after learning my fate?  I did what anyone else facing disappointing, devastating news would do. ...
     I went out and spent money I shouldn't have to try and cheer myself up.  I went to a movie with my little bit.  We saw Big Mama's House (I give it five out of five stars for its feel good vibe).  It was amusing and it took my mind off of the issue, but I knew I still had to face this blog, and all of you who have been following me and supporting me for 17 days.  I started this blog to keep myself accountable, and it won't help me any to lie about anything in it.  I never considered the possibility that failure might be an option when I did not cheat once!  I would understand if I was cheating and was struggling, but I have denied myself foods that I enjoy, so that I could get healthy and look better.  It's truly devastating. 
     After the movie, I got really reckless, and ate at the snack bar with baby girl.  I know!  I know!  However, I don't have transportation right now, so I couldn't leave to go somewhere more healthy.  So, I ordered hot wings.  They looked and smelled so wonderful!  I wish I could have had one - they were baby girl's.  I asked it they had anything healthy to eat and it turns out that even though its not on the menu, they have a grilled chicken salad available.  You can choose any of the vegetable toppings they put on their pizza ( you can choose meat too, but I only had veggies with my chicken).  They did not have fat free dressing, so I had him put it on the side, and I stabbed a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes, and mushrooms onto my fork and lightly dipped the edges into the dressing- just to add flavor and moisture.  It was decent.  I was just happy that I was able to eat there.
     Another movie after lunch because I wasn't ready to go home yet.  We saw I am Number 4. It was good.  Lots of action plus a love story thrown in.  What more can a girl want?  I recommend this film - I give it 4 out of five stars.  During the movie, all I could think about was what we were going to do for dinner.  I didn't take anything out of the freezer.  I knew I wasn't having another salad for dinner.  Today began cycle 2 for me, which adds a few new allowable foods to our previously sanctioned edibles.  Beef, lamb, shrimp, oysters, clams, lentils, beans, brown or basmati rice, and natural starches, such as a medium potato or yams, etc.    Well, I haven't had beef in 17 days and I love beef.  I wanted a steak, a rib eye to be exact, and there was only one place to get that near where I was - Black Angus.  So, off to BA we went after the movie ended. 
     The menu was such a help in deciding what I would eat for dinner.  I struggled with whether I would order a baked potato or not.  They are allowed, but since its day one, I couldn't remember if that was one of the items that are supposed to be consumed before 2 pm (they are), so I decided not to eat the potato.  I would have steamed broccoli, a rib-eye steak, and a small house salad.  However, once I peeped the menu, I knew I was not going to get that rib-eye steak after all.  The BA menu lists the calories for all of its items, and it turns out for the small rib-eye I was looking at 704 calories! - just for the steak!  So I perused the menu again for something I could eat with lessor calories - I found grilled king salmon for around 340 calories or fillet Mignon with only 307 calories.  Incredible to believe that fillet Mignon has half the calories of rib-eye steak, isn't it?  The rib-eye cost more too, which is also surprising.  That just goes to show you that you have to be careful in your food selections everywhere you go.  (I looked at the lobster tail they were offering because I love it, but I can emphatically say that I do not love the calories, which come in at a whopping 1,060!)  The steamed broccoli was 140 calories, but I think that is because they put fresh sliced Parmesan on it.  I took mine off, so I think that cut down on those calories.  The salad had calories running between 160 and 240, but I figured that was because of the dressing, which I utilized the dipping technique and used very little of- probably not even a teaspoon. 
      I just checked bing.com for nutrition facts on the beef, lettuce, and broccoli.  Romaine lettuce is only 10 calories per serving (1 cup), the broccoli had more than I thought, but only 51 calories per stalk, the rib eye (8 0z.) said only 263 calories (so it must be BA's steak butter they use( that makes the rib eye taste so delicious) that jacks up those bad boy calories to nearly triple just a plain grilled steak). The fillet Mignon is 51 calories per oz, and it came in a 6 ounce cut (307 calories).  All in all, the food was delicious, as always.  I love Black Angus.  I feel I made some very wise and good choices today, even after the devastating blow I got served this morning.  
     Giving up was never an option.  Even this morning, I knew I had to double down- and prepare for the next battle.  More exercise is in order this go round.  I will defeat this enemy.  I had to go out an clear my head and get ready to say goodbye to something I have been comfortable and familiar with for way too long ( Sounds like a Ruin, huh)?  I drank my water, ate my yogurt and apple this morning, and had my first green tea.  
     Today was rough for me.  However, I am smart enough to know that I have done really well despite what the scale says.  I have done my body good.  That scale may have gotten me this time around, however, it won't be so lucky next weigh in.  No mercy!  As hard as it is to say no, it would be so much harder for me to say yes, and give up all that I have worked so hard for.  I would be letting myself down, and every one of you out there reading this waiting to see how it goes and hoping for success because you want to do the same for yourself.   Do it.  Do it now.  Don't wait.  Don't start thinking its impossible and why bother because YOU are why you should bother.  You deserve a life living healthy and smaller, enjoying all those activities you long to participate in, but can't right now.  I WILL be para-sailing and zip lining my way through Hawaii within a year!  I will be snorkeling, and running and playing with the little one. I want to ride the rides at the amusement park with the family, instead of sitting on a near-by bench watching them all enjoy themselves.   I will be enjoying my life with my husband to the fullest instead of settling for less because I am too big to do it at this time. 
     Being big like this affects every aspect of your life, including your sex life.  It's not fair to you or your family to remain large and disabled.  That's what you are, disabled.  You have not been able to participate in life since you put on that weight.  You are hiding behind food because its there when you need it,but it's false comfort.  You deserve to know happiness.  It's out there waiting for us all.  Come on and take that leap.  Every step is a good one, whether big or small.   You have to do the work. It's hard, and sometimes disappointing, but nobody can pull your load.   Victory will be that much sweeter when you achieve the success because of the work you did, and when you find out there are a lot of people out there to support you and help you succeed.
        I am writing this after midnight, with the lingering smell of turkey bacon wafting in the air around my nostrils from the food I just prepared for my son.   Why would I torture myself like that?  For two reasons:  First, because I love my son!  Second, because food is not going to control me.  I can't run and hide from it. It's everywhere.  It's necessary for my survival.   I can't give in just because someone else is able to eat the things I can't have.  I will never win the war like that.  I have to confront the enemy head on, stare it in the face, and refuse to be moved by it.  I own this body.  It doesn't tell me what to do.  I command it.  I am just saying NO to the bad things, and YES to working harder and getting this blubber off of my frame.  I am inside here somewhere.
      I know I sound like I am lecturing you right now, but this is more for me, than it is for you. I have to give myself these pep talks or I lose focus.   I want success in this area of my life.  If you are over weight, I know you do too.   Grab that bull by the horns and be a loser!
    
Thank you all for following and supporting me with your comments.  I really like to hear from you, it keeps me going when things get tough, like today. 

TODAY'S STATS

     Green tea = 2; Water = 5; Fruit = 1 (grapes); Probiotics = 2; Proteins = Grilled Chicken Breast, Fillet Mignon; Vegetables = romaine lettuce, carrots, tomatoes, mushrooms, onions, broccoli; Friendly fats = Tbs. Olive Oil, tsp vinaigrette;  Outlook = Determined.

AND THE WINNER IS......

    ME! BECAUSE I'M STILL In the struggle....
God Bless...