Today started out as any other school day. Up at 7 to get daughter off to school. My handsome son took my darling daughter to school for me today on his way to college. I got up and drank my lemon water. Prepared my tea and an omelet made from two whole eggs and two egg whites, plus mushrooms and seasoning. It was a good change. I enjoyed it with some fresh raspberries. I had strawberries for snack before 2, with tea. I was planning on having grilled chicken breast and parmesan eggplant again for lunch, but I found out my oldest niece is in the hospital - probably dying. She has congestive heart failure, which makes her the third woman in my family to have it. My mother was the first, and she died from it in 1996. My sister Debbie has it, and now her daughter Automn.. Automn is much further along in her disease, with only 10% of her heart working and now she is in kidney failure. After leaning she was in the hospital, I changed my plans so I could go see her.
So I packed a salad with mushrooms and Cesar dressing, took a bottle of water and some fruit for the little one to have a snack, and I picked up the kid from school and went straight to the hospital. Where, I found out that little ones under 12 are not allowed inside patient areas. So, I had to call another friend and ask if they could come get her, and keep for a while so I could stay and visit. They agreed, and while we were waiting for them to arrive, I dressed and shook my salad and ate it. I had a drink of my water then, but nothing else until I got home tonight. I made fish (sole) for dinner with broccoli, but since everyone liked it - there wasn't enough again, so I heated some grilled chicken patties to eat with the rest of the broccoli.
I have been emotionally charged all day since learning my niece's condition. I even put my t-shirt on backwards and wore it around like that all day. I had a yogurt while dinner cooked. Dinner was unsatisfying in flavor and in quantity - choking it down as I type. Even the grilled chicken and broccoli was less than fabulous. Maybe I am having an emotional response to my food tonight? Anyway, I ate enough to fill me up. I still have one probiotic to go for tonight, so maybe that will make me feel better? See! I just did it without thinking about it. I am using food to make me feel better. I need to make myself understand that there is no amount of food that will change the circumstances that I have to deal with emotionally surrounding my niece. Today was the first time she has seen me or my son since 1998(?) It was so good to see her, but the circumstances suck! It was nice to see my son interact with her. She hasn't seen him since he was like 7, and she remembers that the last time they were together he bit her on the back. The first thing she said when he walked in was, "oh s***!" She was so surprised to see how tall he had gotten, as he stands at 6'5" tall. He was a tad bit shorter at 7 when she last remembers him.
I had some emotional moments at the hospital. I have some regrets about not taking the nieces with me to Berkeley when I moved away for school. (Not the first time those thoughts have haunted me) Wondering if their lives might be different today.... My beautiful oldest daughter called and got to speak with her before we left the hospital. It was nice to share those tender moments. I can't use food to work my way through this tragedy. I need to stay strong and plan out my snacks and meals before leaving home. I am in a fight to save my life right now too. Having someone so near death at such a young age (did I mention she is only 23?) really puts life into perspective. We are not promised to live the day out, and I need to make the most of the days that GOD has marked for me to be here. I want to enjoy the time I have left being active in my family's lives, and I need to get healthy to do that.
I love you Automn!
Tally sheet for the day is as follows: Green Tea = 3 (so far - I will hit 5 tonight); Water = 3 so far ( I am hoping to hit 7 tonight); probiotics = 1 (1 more to go); Turkey = yes; Chicken = yes; Fish = yes; Greens = yes; fruits = yes. Exercise - none today - sorry self! Do better on that!
Forgot to mention that I saw my Aunt Linda and Aunt Lorna, whom I haven't seen in a very long time. These ladies are so beautfuil and sweet! Despite being over 50, they look as young as the last time I seen them both ((in their 20's). It is so wonderful to see family again. I miss the family reunions we used to go to every year as children. My kids don't even know my mother's family (at all) or my father's - much. I hope this is the beginning of renewed relationships....
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