Day Twelve - Cycle Four (Day 63) Friday, April 15, 2011

DISASTER DAY

There is no easy way to say this or make myself feel better about it, so I am just going to throw it out to the universe - I have failed once again.

I gave into temptation.  I was weak and threw all of my hard work away.  I get so tired of letting myself down.  I honestly don't know why I keep doing this.  I received a blog in my email yesterday from some oband psychiatrist and I loved everything she had t say.  I read all of her past blogs that I had not received.  I even signed up for her new ones to come to me by email. I will get the site for anyone else who is interested.  She breaks down why fat people keep failing at diets and she gives exercises and assignments for us to do so that we can prepare ourselves not to sabotage ourselves.  I am going to read them again and do the exercises - this is like having my therapist on board again - only better.  I am truly hoping for that all important break through that will help me replace emotional eating with other activities and things.  The doctor talks about obesity and depression and says you don't just get better without just forcing yourself to do the things you don't want to do.  I have started that process, but I need more guidance to finish it.  Thank you God for sending me that random email from a knowledgeable stranger!

TODAY'S STATS

I don't know why I am going to bother - today was a scrapyard!
Green Tea = 0; Water = 6; Probiotics = 0; Fruit = 0; Proteins = hamburger from In & Out double double and turkey from a wrap; Veggies = lettuce tomato, onion; Friendly fats = 0; Unfriendly Fats = TONS - 2 double doubles, 1/2 cup french fries, medium coke, junior mints, and red vines.

THE WORST PART IS I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF EATING ALL OF THAT BAD FOOD - - - UNTIL I WAS SICK TO MY STOMACH AND HURTING AND THEN FELT BAD ABOUT DOING THAT TO MYSELF.

I am still having trouble learning to be enough for myself, to love myself enough not to let what others thik, say or do to hurt me or affect me in a negative way.  In many ways, I still have unresolved business with my loved one, and I have been trying to push past it and just love myself enough not to be affected by it, but it isn't working.  I am still eating my emotions and when that feeling comes upon me the urges are so tense that it is impossible to resist it any longer.  I need to bring some finality to this situation, but I honestly don't know what to say or do to make it better, so I have remained silent after my first reaction to it.
     Why can't I just be enough for myself and not need others so much?  I want to love me so much that it won't matter if nobody else ever loves me enough in the future.  I want to be and can be enough for myself - I just can't figure out how to do it right now.  I hope to have an Epiphany some day soon....